The Nair Project
by Lilith Apocalypta
Summary: Emmett has a question, Bella has a grudge, and Alice has a plan. Just add Nair. T cuz I scare myself.
1. A Plan

I turned the Nair bottle over between my fingers. I had just used it, leaving my legs, quote, 'Smooth and silky.' It was true. My icy, granite legs were now smooth and silky. I was pondering how this was possible when Emmett appeared.

"I wonder if it works on head hair," he said. I looked up at him, my eyebrows raising slightly.

"That's interesting," I allowed, "But you aren't supposed to do any more practical jokes. By the divine will of Rosalie."

"I wasn't planning any jokes," Emmett said defensively. "I was just wondering about the effects of that... chemical thingy... on the human head."

"Well, there aren't any human heads to test it on. Huzzah for me." I said, genuinely relieved.

"Yeah. That's too bad," he sighed. He suddenly looked up brightly. "What do you think it would do to vampire hair?"

"Um... the same thing it did to the vampire hair on my legs...?" I suggested slowly.

"Ugh!" Emmett groaned. "That's stupid!"

"Um, no. It's chemistry." I corrected. Alice was suddenly behind me.

"I have a plan," she said ominously.


	2. Test Subject

I whipped around and glared.

"If it involves me, my hair, or any other part of me, you sure as hell do _not_ have a plan," I snapped.

"It doesn't. Do you remember Lauren?" Alice asked suddenly.

"Uh, yeah. She was sorta mean to me in high-school." I said. She and Emmett traded glances and grinned. I looked at them for a minute. Then it clicked.

"You can't!" I cried. "I mean, she was mean, but... I mean, she talked behind my back... And she kinda turned a few of my friends against me..."

Alice and Emmett stared at me. I sighed.

"Okay. I'm in. What's the plan?"

"ARGH!!"

We all winced. Rosalie's outraged roar rocked the house.

"That stupid human--" She was swearing resplendantly. Alice, Emmett, and I hurried over to the stairs to peek over the banister.

"Rose...?" Emmett asked tentatively. Rosalie was kicking holes in the walls and bellowing at the top of her lungs.

"I-- hate-- that-- Lauren-- _brat!!_" She shrieked. I looked at Alice and Emmett. They grinned at me.


	3. Nair Bottles and XBoxes

"We were just talking about her, actually." Alice said casually.

"Good, cuz she talks about _us_ like her life _depends_ on it!!" Rosalie shouted.

"You know that Nair stuff Bella has?" Emmett asked. Rosalie's foot froze a fraction of an inch away from the wall. Her head turned slowly to look up at us.

"Yes," she said shortly.

"Well, I was wondering how it would affect human head hair," Emmett continued. I saw Jasper out of the corner of my eye, walking casually out of his room. I turned to flash him a smile. He smiled back easily.

"Yes," Rosalie said.

"And Alice has a plan. She was gonna tell us, but we heard you and decided to see what was up." Emmett said. Rosalie turned to face Alice.

"A plan?" She asked. Alice bobbed her head up and down.

"Do you think Edward will be interested?" I asked hesitantly. The others looked at me, then burst into maniacal laughter.

"Y-you think-- _Edward_ -- practical joke--" If I didn't know better, I would have thought Emmett would pass out. He was sucking in huge, useless lungfuls of air.

"You know, Emmett, there are people who can't breathe in China," I said severely. This made Alice double over with laughter.

"Sorry-- just-- Edward doing a practical joke." Emmett was trying to straighten out his face. "Conflicting images."

"Why can't I do a practical joke?" Edward demanded. I turned and smiled at him sheepishly.

"I'm sorry Edward, but you can't pull a practical joke to save Bella's life," Emmett said. Jasper started to nod, but Alice kicked him. Edward's golden eyes widened, then narrowed.

"Apparently you have yet to check your X-Box, Emmett," he said coolly. Emmett's eyes bugged out of his head, and he took off for his room. Edward shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at me.

"What is this about practical jokes?" he asked.

"What did you do to Emmett's X-Box this time, Edward? I swear, if he starts crying like he did the last time..." Rosalie started to threaten.

"I didn't touch his X-Box. Alice's baseball bat did. Now what is this about practical jokes?"

"I have a plan," Alice said. "First, we get a bottle of Nair. Then..."

She trailed off when Emmett's roar of anguish filled the house. He ran out of his room and threw himself at Edward's feet.

"What did it do to you!?" he cried, turning his face up to Edward's, which was smirking. "It was just sitting there! It couldn't fend for itself!"

"I nearly tripped over it. Also, I needed to get you back for putting glue in my shampoo."

"Oh. Yeah. That." Emmett stood up and turned to Alice, who was getting impatient. "So, what were we saying?"

"We put the Nair in her shampoo!" Alice said excitedly, picking up right were she left off. "It's genius! It'll work!!"

We all stared at her, slow grins forming on our faces. Rosalie's was the biggest, and she turned to look at the rest of us.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!"


	4. Now, we wait

**_One Hour Later_**

Alice whipped out her little check-list and pencil.

"Got bottle of Nair." She checked the shopping bag in Jasper's hand in a completely pointless effort of scrutiny. "Check. Went to Lauren's house. Check. Got Lauren's bottle of shampoo--"

She was cut off when Emmett began tapping her on the shoulder urgently. She sighed.

"Hummed the Mission: Impossible theme song." she said. Emmett grinned toothily and began humming. Rosalie groaned and slapped her hand to her forehead.

"Double check." Alice said.

"Replaced shampoo with Nair." I said, dumping the rest of the little bottle of Nair into the shampoo bottle. "Check."

"Put shampoo back..." Edward took the bottle from me, bolted into Lauren's house, then bolted back out. "Check."

"Ooh, this is so exciting! I get to finally see what Nair does to head hair!" Emmett said, clapping his hands together. Jasper wrinkled his nose and turned away.

"Make him stop. I'm getting hyperactive."

"Emmett, chill out." I said. He turned to me, his golden eyes dancing.

"I can't help it, Bella! It's just so exciting! I've been waiting to try this since they started making Nair!"

"Chill out." I repeated. Emmett huffed out a breath and turned to Alice.

"Now what?" he asked, clasping his hands before her like he was appealing to a god. Alice stood straight and for once, relatively tall. She looked at him, and her voice was strong and ominous.

"Now, my dear brother? Now, we wait."


	5. The Nair Has Landed

We waited.

We had timed it according to Alice, so we didn't wait long. Lauren came home right after Alice told us to wait, complaining about how she hadn't showered in over twelve hours. Her parents were trying their best to ignore her, but Lauren was a persistent little brat. Jasper, Alice, and Edward rolled their eyes. Emmett was bouncing around on his toes, and Rosalie looked like she was restraining herself from doing something very... vampire-y... to Lauren.

"Just get in the shower!" Emmett whimpered, looking like he was ready to scream like a crazy fan-girl. Jasper was squeezing his eyes shut and trying to focus on not doing the same thing. Alice was watching Lauren with a hawk-like intensity. By now, I was getting sort of excited about the whole idea myself. We all broke out in grins when we heard Lauren walk inside and turn on her shower. She must have gotten in, because after a minute we heard her singing 'Come on Eileen', only she replaced 'Eileen' with 'Edward'.

"Come on Edward, oh I swear that I... uhh... whatever... Come on Edward...!"

"Oh, God, she doesn't even know the rest of the lyrics!" Edward groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Everyone but me was snickering. I was a little bit too livid to see the humor.

"We're _married_!!" I hissed. "You're a _married man_!!"

"Well, technically he isn't. He's not a man. He's a vampire." Emmett pointed out. I wheeled on him, my eyes narrowed.

"Agree with me, or I swear to God, I will steal back the bottle of Nair!" I snarled. His eyes widened, and then he turned back to the house.

"Adultering harlot!" he spat at it. "Sleazy-eyed wench!"

"Lalala... ooh, shampoozie..." Lauren said. "Onto headieby we go..."

"Headieby?" the rest of us asked in unison. Emmett then shushed us, craning his head so that he could get the ultimate show. We waited through a couple more lines of 'Come on Edward'. After a few minutes, Lauren's voice faltered. Emmett was grinning. Then--

"OHHH MYYY GAAAAWWDD!!"

"The Nair has landed!" Emmett cried as we ran back to the house. "I repeat! The Nair has landed!"


	6. The Next Day

The next day, we saw Lauren at the mall with a cap pulled over her bald head. After seeing that some of it had come out, Lauren's mother had decided to shave off the rest. It was amusing. Emmett was bummed that she hadn't lost all of her hair, but was delighted that some of the hair had fallen out at all. When someone called her on her hair, we listened in to see her answer.

And we were horrified.

"Oh, I donated to Saint Baldricks." Lauren said airily. "It's a just cause and when I really looked into it, it just... It touched my heart, you know? All those kids out there with no hair..."

"She's passing it off as charity?!" Jasper was disgusted. "We ruined her head and she's making it sound like she's... she's... ugh!"

"I donated to Saint Baldricks when I was younger." I said, glaring at Lauren. "I understood what the kids were going through. And this disgusts me."

"I could just... she makes me so... That prank was perfect!!" Alice squeeled. At first I thought it was a dog whistle, she was so high-pitched. Jasper reached out and took her hand. Emmett was just standing there, slackjawed.

"My plan..." he groaned, holding onto Rosalie for support. She grunted and shoved him away. After a moment, though, she pulled him back and buried her face in his chest.

"Hold me before I go mad," she muttered. Edward took my hand, and we all stared at Lauren. Finally, we turned and left the mall. We got in the car and began walking away. After a moment, though...

"I wonder what glue does to finger-nail polish."

**The End! I hope you liked it! Please review!**


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